Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize