Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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