I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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