Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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