Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
