I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
