I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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