My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
