so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
