3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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