I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
try to milk me bitch
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
