no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
A bitchslap is in order.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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