why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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