So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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