I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.