There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I looked at my own cervix.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science