I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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