Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
