No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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