I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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