so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
