Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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