if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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