She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
