also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
