I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
