youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize