I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
