I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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