i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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