dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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