I need to stop coming to work sober
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
