omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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