so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
