Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
