he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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