I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
