im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
