Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
