thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
