I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
