whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!