I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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