I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
