Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
