I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
