i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my being single is dangerous.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
