hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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