I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
