I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
