she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
