3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I AM VODKA MAN
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
