R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
