Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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