Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
