So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
