i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
