Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
